Found this online and just had to share (sorry, I don't know who the author is). All the more real to me now that I'm a parent.. if only i'd seen this sooner! ;)
11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Lately i've found myself more and more curious about what goes on in the minds of babies.. specifically my little Charlize. I swear at times she is thinking about how weird or crazy I am, laughing at how quickly I jump at the tiniest of noises she makes or how annoying it is that I constantly check on her while she's sleeping to "make sure she hasn't pulled a blanket over her face." I'm hoping my paranoia gets better over time. For now though, I think I've solved the mystery of just what thoughts are running through the head of my munchkin. At the very least I can humor myself.
Oh no, not the camera again!
I know I'm cute but if you don't stop taking pictures of me, I'm going to ruin every one you take.
How about the crying thing.. that always gets me what I want.
Alright, if you give me my pacifier I'll hold still long enough to let you put a bow on me.
Told you, the crying thing works like a charm every time.
I hate commercials. Abhor them. I'm the girl who studies the station guide during shows so that I know what to switch to when commercial time happens. But not all commercials are created equal. The spots below actually make commercial time rather bearable.
Being a child of the 80's, there are a million and one things I could list as a favorite from that era. I'll save you the boredom and only list one of those: the Police Academy movies. Simply hilarious. I've watched them all thousands of times over. Again, there's a myriad of things that make those movies awesome but one of my all-time favorite characters is the guy that does the sound effects. Remember him? The other day I was watching TV when a Geico commercial came on. Imagine my surprise and elation when I realized it starred the sound effects guy! If you're a fan of these movies, you'll LOVE this:
And of course, some Hawai'ian love. I won't comment on how many people have asked me to translate. =)
Usually, I don't pay much attention to e-mail forwards that happen upon my inbox. I look upon them in the same way I do telemarketers that tend to call during dinner-time; they are just uncool. Today, however, I must have experienced a temporary moment of weakness and happened upon this fun little treasure. If you can get past every word your mother has ever spoken about playing with your food, then perhaps you, too, can enjoy the creativity (or sheer boredom) it took to create these food masterpieces (BTW, this TOTALLY has me inspired to cook. Rachael Ray, watch out). ♥